Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Alan Keyes: The Other Dark Meat

I wish to address my Republican readers. Specifically those of you who will vote today in a primary election.

Friends, do you feel left out of all the excitement the Democrats are having by supporting a black man for president? Don’t you wish you, too, could strike a blow against the status quo of white male hegemony?

Wanna make a little history of your own? Vote for Alan Keyes.

The white establishment succeeded in keeping Ambassador Keyes out of the GOP debates (except for this one). But he is on the ballot in more than 25 states.

Why vote for Keyes? Well, when he ran for president in 2000, the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education said this: “The highest IQ among Republican presidential contenders belongs to Alan Keyes.”

Keep in mind, Keyes was up against George W. Bush, Dan Quayle, Gary Bauer, Steve Forbes and others. He was smarter than all them white folks! So you know he’s smarter than John McCain, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee.

But the best reason to vote for Alan Keyes is this: He is the Republican Party’s best hope for defeating Barack Obama come November.

Keyes ran against Obama in 2004 for the U.S. Senate. He is the only Republican with the experience of campaigning against him.

And let’s be real. Who do you think would give Barack Obama more than he can handle in a debate? McCain? Nigga, please. Gimme the Keyes!

Matter fact, I’m streaming a 3-minute excerpt of an actual debate between Keyes and Obama. It took place on October 12, 2004, and was broadcast on the radio throughout Illinois. Click here to hear it.

Did you hear it? See what I’m talking about now? Keyes got steeze.

So don’t let me down, Republicans. When you get in that voting booth, remember the words of Wesley Snipes (who, like Alan Keyes, also wants to abolish the income tax): Always bet on black!


Alan Sepinwall said...

Dude. I have a bad cough. Don't make me laugh so hard next time. One of your funniest posts ever.

Undercover Black Man said...

^ Thanks, Alan.

Lola Gets said...

Yeah, he has only been in one debate this time around, right? Dude is smart, but not in that nerdy way; this man is a straight up crazy genius! Im talkin bout that Charles Manson, Lex Luthor kinda way (ok, not homicidal, but defenitely off)!

And I do believe his insanity does affect his perception of reality, cause his Black ass keeps running for the Republican candidacy, and he never, ever gets it. Um, better luck next time around, Keyes??

Or, perhaps somebody will just have your ass committed to a mental institution by then. Someone needs to stop the madness!


Undercover Black Man said...

Im talkin bout that Charles Manson, Lex Luthor kinda way...

Yes, Lola! Yes! That is why I love him. Brilliant mind, gifted orator... off-the-charts nut.

Anonymous said...

I watched a few of the Republican debates. (Know your enemy I say.) When Alan Keyes went off on the moderator in the BET debate, or whichever one there were so many I've forgotten, I had to turn the sound off. I was actually embarrassed for the man. He wasted all of his time arguing how he wasn't getting any time.

He is certifiably crazy. If this is how the Republicans think they can placate the colored folks, they're even crazier than he is.

Please somebody put him out of our misery.

Anonymous said...

If the GOP could have convinced Mike Ditka to run for IL senate in 2004, the USA could have been spared Obamamania for a while. If you really want to punish White Male America, just nominate Hillary.

Ann Brock said...

UBM Mr. Keys is a stone fool. Every time he is on a program I will turn the channel because he is just silly.

Bay Radical said...

And he's yet another conservative homophobe with a gay child. Do you have to either produce a baby queer or secretly screw your own sex in a public restroom to register as Republican these days?

BTW, thanks so much for the Bay Radical sidebar!

Anonymous said...

Alan Keyes is the new Lyndon LaRouche.

Undercover Black Man said...

^ Bingo. Super-intelligent eccentrics are so fascinating to me. Scary when they get a cult of personality rolling... but fascinating nonetheless.

Anonymous said...


1. Conservatives don't go out of their way to promote black candidates because that's nonsense.

We prefer to promote *conservative* candidates. If that candidate is black, then that's ok.

2. Considering how welded blacks are to the Democrats why would conservatives even bother? Or Republicans? What exactly is the point?

And considering that the way to win the black vote is by pandering, then that's pointless since nobody can out-pander the Democrats.

3. Frankly Alan Keyes is a bit of an oddball. Note: this is not a positive.

4. As for the whole "gay" thing. Frankly I think it's mostly irrelevant. What is irritating is that somehow gay issues always gets jammed into people's faces. Gays constitute an extraordinarily small portion of the population but you can't swing a dead cat without gay this or gay that on tv or movies.

IMO it bores the hell out of me.

It's like Law & Order. Want to know who the bad guy is on L&O? Look for the white and/or male and/or Christian. 95% of the time it'll be a combination of white/male/Christian.

And it's boring.

5. Frankly the black vote is like the jewish vote. You'd be much better off voting conservative, bt you don't and so that's *your* problem, not mine.

40+ years of Democratic pandering have passed on by. Trillions of dollars in federal money shoved into minority programs and welfare. "Diversity" programs in colleges and race based quotas, which is what affirmative action really is, have been around for decades.

Sooooooo. How's that working out for you? Everybody being properly educated? Full employment? Nobody graduating from high school with a 3rd grade reading level?

So how do you think the black vote compares in the Democratic party to say the teacher's unions?

*shrug* good luck with all that. Personally I prefer an ideology that promotes personal duty, responsibility and less government.

Bay Radical said...

So you're the clown who keeps hitting me with a dead cat!

Undercover Black Man said...

^ Zing!

Anonymous said...


@ bay radical

"So you're the clown who keeps hitting me with a dead cat!"



Katrinka Yobotz said...

Before you believe what pundits on television SAY about Alan Keyes and tell us what to think, look at the facts about Alan Keyes:

Alan Keyes is a true conservative.

Anonymous said...

cartman, hillarity is just as conservative as any repug. She's the American Margaret Thatcher,and she ain't a feminist, she won't change shit, and won't scare white america.

Anonymous said...

I think Alan Keyes needs to interview with Borat again.

Real Talk Conservative said...

Stop buying into the media hype that ALan Keyes is crazy, your all drinking KoolAid-- John McCain is pushing this lie because ALan Keyes singlehandedly destroyed McCain in his 2000 run- did you know Keyes called out the Black Panthers when they took over the Cornell university building during the Vietname War-- thats principle to him-- in my hood, yeha that crazy but he stands for what is right no matter what--

Undercover Black Man said...

^ I appreciate your commenting, Ghetto Conservative. Can I ask why you spell his first name "ALan"?

Anonymous said...

Good Job! :)