Saturday, January 26, 2008

Satan’s donut shop

Here in lovely downscale Glendale, I recently stumbled upon a mom-and-pop donut shop in a humble strip mall.

Contrary to outward appearances, I don’t eat a lot of donuts. But I got a hankerin’ for ’em, ironically, during my one week of walking a picket line at the beginning of the writers’ strike. Nothing lifts your spirit on the line like some Krispy Kremes.

Anyway, I stepped into this neighborhood donut shop, right? And what I saw there stopped me in my tracks. Behind the counter was a wall full of cigarettes for sale.

Yes, cigarettes. In a damn donut shop. Who ever heard of such?

Now, I’ve been messing around with smoking for the past couple of years, and I’m embarrassed about that... disappointed in myself. So this moment brought forth a rush of emotions.

“You want donut?”

A small Asian woman behind the counter looked at me blankly.

“What’s with those?” I asked, pointing behind her. “What’s with the cigarettes?”

“You want cigarette? What kind you want?”

“No no no... I’m saying, you sell cigarettes and donuts? Why not just paint a skull and crossbones on the front door?”

She continued to look at me, expressing nothing.

“I mean, do you sleep well at night? You’re selling death here. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease...” I just couldn’t hold my tongue. “The only thing missing is guns. You sell guns too?”

“You no want donut?”

“It ain’t about me. I’m talking about you,” I said. “Cigarettes and donuts don’t even go together! Was life so bad in Pusan or wherever the fuck you come from, you had to come here and sell this shit?”

Her face didn’t change. She just said, “You want donut?”

I sighed and wiped my brow.

“Yeah,” I said, “give me an old-fashioned glazed and an old-fashioned chocolate. And a pack of Cigarettellos... the Nat Shermans in the red box. Yeah, those.”

As I walked out, a voice behind me called out musically: “See you again soooon.” I turned around. The Asian woman was smiling.

19 comments:

susie said...

Hahahahahaha! Selling death.
That's hilarious. When my friend Allison was here visiting from New York she asked me why all the donut shops in east LA sold chinese food too.

I had never noticed that they do indeed sell both (I'm always on my way to Tacos Baja Ensenada), but that's apparently the trend.

God I love fried food and cigarettes, but with my luck I wouldn't die and post stroke paralysis isn't a look I'm going for.

Undercover Black Man said...

^ Hey, Suze! I've been meaning to email you, based on your Jan. 5 blog post. So I'll do that.

Meanwhile, best thing to consume with a cigarette: bourbon, preferably in a casino on the Strip.

SJ said...

Damn...UBM, thanks to you I have a late-night craving for donuts. Gotta stay strong though...

Undercover Black Man said...

^ I am Satan's vessel.

tAnYeTTa said...

Now that was funny! If only someone could have caught this on film. Priceless!

See you again soon! LOL

Dan Coyle said...

Hey David, OT but remember that Boondocks clip you posted a few weeks ago?

Sony is refusing to let that episode and another BET themed episode air.

http://forum.newsarama.com/showthread.php?t=144566

justjudith said...

great post. cigarettes and donuts DON'T go together. i would imagine the cigarette would jack up the taste of the donut. and yeah, it's all death but if you're gonna die, at least they should not double up on the vices. i don't even eat chinese food outta little places like that anymore. i never could recognize the consistency of the meat and with the cat rumors...pass!

Undercover Black Man said...

If only someone could have caught this on film.

And every word of it is true, Tanyetta. (Except I didn't say any of that stuff. But it's emotionally true.)

Undercover Black Man said...

i don't even eat chinese food outta little places like that anymore.

Cigarettes and cat meat... that could work...

Blaark said...

Up in the SF Bay Area it used to be really common for donut shops to sell cigarettes-- possibly because they're open all night or possibly because cab drivers, city workers and cops frequent them... Considering the collision of purpose available in many donut shops (the Chinese food angle being the most well known) it never really occurred to me that cigarettes would be out of place behind the counter... My favorite place for the double down death shopping was in Berkeley where the eight year old kid working the counter at midnight would have to get a stool to climb up and grab you a pack-- rampant liberalism has ruined the good old days... Haven;t spent as much time in all-night donut shops as I used to but I can only imagine that it's becoming a lost experience...

Undercover Black Man said...

^ This joint is open 24 hours, blaark... That does help explain it. (Even though there's a 7-Eleven 50 yards away.)

Crunch E. Granola said...

In San Francisco, there used to be a donut shop that also sold fish and chips. We could not see if they had separate fryers for each, so we were never tempted to try the donuts.

Invisible Woman said...

Downscale Glendale...you are funny :-)

Undercover Black Man said...

^ For real, though. I got panhandled in front of that joint.

dez said...

I almost bought a box of chocolate mini cruellers last night because of this post. You are eee-vol.

Undercover Black Man said...

^ Mwahahahahaaaa!

I'm fixin' to go get me a chocolate-covered creme-filled right now... 1,500 calories that fit in the palm of your hand. ;^D

dez said...

^I satisfied my chocolate jones with Dark Chocolate Chex Mix. Mmmm...chocolate [droool]!

kenn said...

Hilarious!

Undercover Black Man said...

^ Thanks, Kenn. Welcome to my spot.